Laid Off: The Scarlet Letter?

I’d be lying if I said I bounced back quickly from my recent layoff. In the immediate aftermath, I had an anxiety attack and called my husband to come home. As I waited for him, the shock set in, the tears came like a flood, and the pit in my stomach overwhelmed all my senses. I don’t think I stopped crying that day. Even as I write this now, months later, I still tear up.

A RIF (Reduction in Force) was not a foreign concept to me. I’m certainly not bragging when I share that I have survived 6 layoff rounds during my tenure in the industry; ‘lucky’ #7 got me. It marked the first time I have transitioned out of a job involuntarily. It felt like a 1-2 punch to the gut, and it knocked me out for a while. I have learned a lot about myself in the aftermath. I share these ‘lessons learned’ to normalize emotional and mental health challenges following job loss, offer hope to those who have found themselves in my position, and share insights into navigating the days following such a loss.

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Lesson #1: Take Time to Grieve

First and foremost, being laid off is an incredibly destabilizing experience. Sometimes you may see it coming, and oftentimes you won’t. Regardless, many facets of your life are vulnerable to being upended due to this loss. The financial implications for the vast majority of us who need a paycheck to care for our needs and some of our wants are obvious; what isn’t as obvious is the devastating effect no longer having a job can have on our daily routine.

The most challenging times for me were after dropping my daughter off at school and walking my dogs. I would usually get ready for work at this time, but now I found myself unsure of what to ‘do’. I would usually sign on to Slack and message my teammates and colleagues, but I was now deactivated. I was no longer able to move the needle on the work and projects I was passionate about, nor seek social support and community from my co-workers. I was alone.

Initially, I filled my time with what I like to call ‘desperation applications’. My anxiety took over and compelled me to apply to all/any job that might be applicable to my skill set. As the automated rejection emails piled up, I sank lower and lower into a depressive episode.

My confidence and self-worth shattered. I blamed myself, I felt as though I had not only failed myself, but also the team I led. I questioned the choices I made in the past, certain I had caused this. In other words, all logic evaporated, and I fell back into my negative core beliefs of being stupid, dumb, and worthless. I know so many struggle with these core beliefs no matter the level of success or praise they have enjoyed. For me, that was my sign, the internal signal I needed to pump the brakes and let myself be ‘unproductive’ for a time. I was avoiding the grief because I feared that if I allowed myself to feel the mixture of sadness, anger, and devastation, I wasn’t sure I could survive it.

When I finally let myself sit in my grief it brought back old, familiar pain. I remember feeling this sense of sadness and emptiness before, I’m no stranger to the sudden loss of important people in my life. Candidly, I tried to avoid the complex and complicated feelings following those events too. Surprise, even Psychologists don’t always practice what we preach. We, like you, do everything we can to avoid the pain. Until we can’t anymore.

Grief is a natural response to losing something treasured or familiar. It hurts. It sometimes felt like it would overtake me. And at the same time, I had to remind myself that I am resilient as fuck; I have survived loss before and will overcome the grief on my own timeline. You are too. The best way out is through, but expect to grieve as you move through this experience.

Lesson #2: Reductions in Force (RIFs) are Business-Motivated not Personal Decisions

There is no way when I first transitioned into the startup industry I understood how the financial state of the business ultimately determines every decision made. Focusing only on ‘what’ is built misses the broader context of ‘how’ such products, services, or findings will or won’t extend runway (i.e. the amount of time a business can financially function) or propel the company forward to the next round of fundraising. This is what the business entity needs to focus on to continue to exist. The activities that move towards that runway extension and healthy fundraising opportunities are prized over everything else.

As I have navigated startup companies of various sizes and stages of growth, I now intimately understand the tough choices People Leaders and Managers must make when the financial health of the business is in jeopardy. Let’s be real; sometimes there are personal/political factors occurring in the background of layoffs, but those are not the primary driving force behind a role elimination. Businesses have a hypothesis that an RIF will lead to financial and organizational optimization, or they simply can’t make payroll without reducing the number of employees; this is the rationale for the ‘why’ behind the ‘what’ of an RIF.

I don’t see getting laid off as an intentional act to make me or anyone else feel terrible or shatter our confidence. And, at the same time, during this process, you will likely feel hurt and rejected. Oh, that pesky dialectic, both things can and, at least for me are, true.

Lesson #3: Being Laid Off is NOT a Scarlet Letter

I was laid off, but I also did my job really well while I was there. I had a positive impact and delivered value in my role. Getting laid off is not equivalent to my bosses saying ‘You suck’. And, even though I may not be physically present at the company anymore, I can guarantee that the causes I championed and the perspectives I offered are still mentioned and ringing in my former colleagues' heads and hearts. This one event doesn’t diminish or dilute my leadership, stewardship, or conviction.

Recruiters, hiring managers, and others I have encountered in my job search couldn’t possibly know how much I contributed. That’s my story to tell when the perpetual “Why are you no longer with X-company?” question comes up within the first few calls. I get it; folx have a ‘question behind the question’ that’s considered too direct/too threatening to ask. They want to know: Will I attrit in a few months? Do I have trouble working well with others? Are my professional areas of focus too scattered to make me a good candidate? Here’s the thing, I would ask the same questions if I were the hiring manager because these answers do matter. Interestingly, I never get asked about the role a company’s culture or lack of leadership/strategy/vision plays in my decision to depart or the company's decision to lay me off.

And so, I answer these questions honestly. Yep, I was laid off in this case. In another, yep, I left after Z-months because the role wasn’t a great fit for my skills. In yet another, yep, I left because of unethical and unconscionable business practices. To sum up my feelings and professional experiences in a single statement:

I know the systems and cultures in which I thrive and do my best work. I am an asset when I find the right culture for me where the company is not in financial jeopardy, there is no stopping the impact I can have.

Being laid off is not a scarlet letter you have to wear.

Lesson #4: Folx Will Offer Empty Support

In the immediate aftermath, I was flooded with messages of support as I navigated the next steps of my career. Yet, at that time, when I was so raw, I was not in emotional shape to take folx up on those offers. Unfortunately, after a few weeks, memory fades and folx move on with their day-to-day lives. And, if your former colleagues were fortunate enough to retain their roles, very little has changed for them.

I learned A LOT about the people in my professional circles, specifically, those who never followed up or responded when I was ready to take them up on their offer of support. Emotional empathy is not equivalent to emotional labor like taking action to amplify others. Yes, I received empathy and sympathy but very little tactical support.

As for those who respond, amplify, and offer referrals for roles, take note because these are your people. I have been surprised, touched, and grateful for these folx, which balances the disappointment I felt in others. Many of these people I found through the Slack community, Therapists in Tech. There is a ‘we’re all in this together’ perspective as fellow Clinicians who have transitioned into Digital Health.

I’ve learned an important lesson – don’t be afraid to ask for help, even if the call isn’t answered. It’s not about how many people are in your network; it is about connecting with the one person who will say your name in the room and champion you.

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In closing, you may be committed, invested, and effective in your role, and you still may depart voluntarily or involuntarily. I imagine when it’s involuntary you felt disappointed, hurt, and uncertain like I did. But here’s the thing. YOU have pulled yourself out of hardship before. You have overcome and persevered. Coping and recovering from job loss is no different, so take comfort in knowing you can do hard things and come out the other side in fighting shape. I have that confidence for all of us, myself included.